WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
