we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
