It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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