I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!