So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize