apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
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I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
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BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".