Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
