dude i'm inner monologue high
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
