So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
