My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
