Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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