We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
