When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
