Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
