she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i will never coherently bang her
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
