Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
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