soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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