she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
