Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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