Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
