I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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