I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
