The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm like, not good at living.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
