Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
