Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
