He is such a slut. More and more my type.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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