i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
