I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
