Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
