I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
