i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
