I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
