So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
