My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
