Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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