Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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