I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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