I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
well you can't waste a boner
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
