I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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