Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
