Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
