watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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