felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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