Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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