Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Even the bartender felt bad for me
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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