He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
