I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
