I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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