If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids