at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.