I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
