You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
