Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
