you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
