he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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