A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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