2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
