wakey wakey hands off snakey
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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