He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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