His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
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I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
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She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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