i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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